“Don’t tell me what to do”

Ok here is the thing… I often tell people what to do. I am a fixer. It feels great when I can solve a problem, ease another person’s concerns, and as a result reduce my own discomfort.  The problem with telling people what to do and fixing their problems is this: you don’t give them an experience of knowing that “it’s ok not to be ok”, you take away a chance for them to find their own solution, and ultimately take away an opportunity for them to find their own power.

When I was a new mum my relatives came over to visit and give a helping hand. I remember a particular moment when my son was crying (probably needing a nap or milk). Advice was flying around about how to best stop the crying (“change his nappy, burp him, feed him again”). I didn’t know which one to follow, which was just adding to further stress. At one point my dad turned to me and said the most important sentence “You are a mum, you can decide what is best for your son.”

You see this sentence allowed me to take a step back and feel empowered to make my own choices. (This is very different from telling new
mums: “You are the mum, you decide”). I was allowed to step into the role of motherhood, but also allowed not to take it in that moment. It was very empowering!

If you want to help someone who is struggling, there are things you can do without trying to “fix” the problem:

1. Listen: Be curious, find out more about the situation. Let the person talk. Repeat what you heard to let the person know they are heard.

2. Validate: It’s ok not to be ok. Let the other person know that you understand how difficult their situation is and why they might be feeling the way they are. It’s ok to say how you would feel in a similar situation and then ask “is this what is going on for you?” 

3. Empower: Allow them to decide whether to take an action. It is ok for them not to do anything (unless they are risks which place them or others in danger*). Highlight their skills and abilities that could help them take action should they decide to do so.

 (* If you have concerns about your own safety or the safety of others, then please seek professional advice and support)